So I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m bipolar. Most people think that means I have delirious bursts of energy all the time during which I get tons of stuff done while eschewing sleep. Actually, 97% of the time that a bipolar person is ill, they’re depressed. It comes and goes and there’s not a whole lot you can do about your brain being weird and broken.
I haven’t been getting much accomplished this week. I didn’t get anything much accomplished last week, either. About the only real relief I can find is when I’m reading absorbing fiction. I can’t pay attention to a TV show, and I don’t feel like sewing, knitting or baking. Which is really pretty weird when you consider how much my life normally revolves around those three activities. I can’t sleep before 3 am, which inevitably means I take some sleeping med to try to hasten things, and then I’m so ‘hungover’ that I can’t get up before noon. This SUCKS. I’m not ever a morning person, but I do try to get up between 8 and 9 normally, and do computer chores in the morning, reserving afternoons for sewing, cooking, baking, etc.
But lately my head feels like it’s full of molasses. I can’t remember to do stuff, and I feel too sluggish to talk to anyone for any length of time. Last week at Romsey Quilters (where I’m a committee member AND the resident techie), I was so out of it that I couldn’t process what people were saying to me. I must come off like a comatose junkie. I’ve tried everything to get to sleep – mindful meditation, that melatonin stuff, the OTC ‘PM’ stuff which is actually just an antihistamine, even Valium. But no matter how hard I try to sleep, I just lay in the dark berating myself for my failures. Then I berate myself for berating myself because in actual fact I lead a pretty happy life. Seriously, this SUCKS.
I have a TON of stuff that needs to be done. I need to clean the house like crazy to put it on the market. I need to overhaul the website. I need to write a couple of magazine articles. But what I’m doing instead is reading, because it seems to be the only thing I can do. This SUCKS. I want my brain back. I want to feel the irresistible urge to sew, to knit, to bake. (Of course, I also want to lose weight, too. Baking doesn’t help that very much.) I know I could get on more medicine, but honestly I’ve been down that route, and once I start taking two or three different mood meds, I start to feel more like a pharmacy than a person. And I’m sure the depression will ease with time, but it’s hard to happily anticipate anything right now. (Except Christmas cake. I LOVE Christmas cake. I’m always happily anticipating it.)
I’ve gone on long enough. I just wanted to get a bit off my chest, so to speak, and apologise for the less than stellar service around here. And please, don’t think I’m encouraging any depressed people to take a quasi-Scientology view – I wholeheartedly believe in the power of medicine. Hell, I’m taking medicine for the bipolar now, and probably will do for the rest of my life. And I’m totally ok with that. I just don’t want to take more, if that makes sense. But if you are depressed, or you know someone who might be, GET HELP. Depression SUCKS, but it doesn’t have to suck forever. I’m fairly certain mine won’t, but you may have to bear with me for a bit.
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© J C Excell, 2012