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Insert *Frustrated* Swear Word Here?

You know that saying, ‘When It Rains It Pours’? (WIRIP) I’m kinda starting to get familiar with it on a bodily level. BTW, this is a long(ish) personal post and I just wanted to warn you that I’m ill, so it may not even make much sense.

My knees are really scooting right along and I can pretty much get up- and down- stairs with impunity, at least in my own house. Plus they’re not very swollen anymore and actually look like knees, instead of alarming balloons in the middle of my legs. Which totally ROCKS and if you have dodgy knees you should totally get them arthroscopied.

However, a few days after I got back from surgery I started sneezing. A LOT. Like those sneezes where it’s actually a cascade of sneezing, each one racking your body twice more than the previous. I’ve NEVER had allergies so of course my first thought was that I was probably suffering from horrible influenza disease caused partially by the fact that I’m a useless housekeeper. But as rough as the sneezing-all-day-long thing made me feel, I didn’t really have any other symptoms. Therefore I thought it was probably someone else’s fault. (I’m still working on that.)

Then Mike suggested (gently, because 3 or 4 days into this I was pretty grouchy) that perhaps I was suffering from seasonal allergies, aka hay fever. I said that made NO sense because he wasn’t suffering, and in all the years I’ve known that man, he’s been sneezing through most of that time. No kidding. He’s allergic to everything. Sometimes I suspect he’s even allergic to me, although I have no idea how that’s even possible. When I recovered a bit and had a few cognitive abilities running, I decided he was probably right, which immediately led to me taking his prescription anti-histamines. (Hey, I’m suffering. Stop judging.)

The drugs kinda work. Kinda. But of course that’s not the end of it. I also seem to have picked up a kidney infection somewhere along the way. (Perhaps the bad housekeeping? Is that possible?) So now I’m spending each day knocked on my back by sneezing and stabbing pain. This doesn’t really produce a mental environment suitable for creative endeavours. So I went to the GP today and told her about all of it, and she said: ‘Rapeseed. That’s what your problem is.’

Now, for those of you reading this (is anyone still reading this?), if you’re living in the UK, you’re nodding your head. Oh. Yes. It’s Rapeseed. Those fields of neon yellow make everyone sneeze. If you’re not from the UK, and especially if you’re American, I bet you’re a tad offended that I’ve just said ‘rape’ in a blog post in a totally nonchalant way, because the first time I asked Mike what those fields were, he actually said, ‘Oh that’s just rape.’ And I was like: ‘WTF is wrong with you – they’re plants not a class B felony?!?’ But I swear it’s legit – here’s the (slightly disputed) Wikipedia article. Note in the Production table that for such a tiny country, the UK is a very large producer of rapeseed oil, which obviously requires field after field of the histamine-bonkers plant.

Photo from Natural Food Finder Website

So anyway, you probably know that GPs and doctors no longer hand out antibiotics like they’re candy anymore – you have to prove you’re infected somehow before they give you drugs. So I went to the GP and she gave me TONS of stuff to combat the sneezing, runny nose, post-nasal drip, sore throat extravaganza that is hay fever. In exchange I left a sample which I expect will show I’m not even human anymore. Rather, I’m turning into ONELONGILLNESS.

So what am I doing with all my time that I should be spending on sewing? I’m reading Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson for like the fifth time. But I’m coming to the end…and I decided that in order to convalesce with sanity, I MUST MUST MUST read the Baroque Trilogy, which is a kind of prequel trilogy to Cryptonomicon. I can’t even watch telly because I just end up thinking about how much my back hurts when I sneeze. And when I don’t sneeze.

BUT (again in the theme of WIRIP) we packed up a whole storage locker full of books and other misc crap we decided we could live without. The books went in first, so they’re in the back of the unit. I can see the empty bookshelf where The Baroque Trilogy once lived. AND I didn’t label the boxes very well, so it’s not like I can just go look for the one that says ‘Stephenson’ on it. Because I lack foresight. Evidently. But I did leave one shelf of the bookshelf occupied by impressive looking books, the kind of books that say I’M SO SMART to a potential buyer. Here’s the bookshelf:

Look, I know it’s a little rough, but I can straighten it up 5 minutes before the realty people come in. And don’t those thick books look impressive? So I was thinking about dragging Savi to the storage locker to look for at least the first book, Quicksilver. Except I’m exceptionally paranoid after watching too much crime tv and I refuse to go to the storage locker without Mike. Just in case there’s a homicidal maniac on the same floor. BUT WAIT, what’s that there on the left?

RESULT. So I guess this is the time to say that I’ll be quiet for the next day or so, waiting for the doctor to decide I’m ill enough to warrant antibiotics so I can get better and live my life. And in the meantime, I’ll be reading Neal Stephenson and sneezing once or twice every 20 minutes.

I am very sorry for being so crap – my mind is so befuddled that when I opened Photoshop I was surprised to find I’d actually shot an entire no-waste granny square tutorial using Lucie Summers’ lovely new line Summersville. So I guess I’ll be posting that soon, as soon as I can actually think. Here’s a preview:

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© J C Excell, 2012

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20 thoughts on “Insert *Frustrated* Swear Word Here?

  1. I know you are sick and I’m hoping you feel really heathy soon, but this post was so funny. You definiely can turn a phrase. I’m loving this, ” I’m a useless housekeeper” comment. You should make a pattern so we can embroidery this for our own homes. It will probably suit most of us….giggle. I know it would me.

    Here’s for a speedy recovery!

  2. Oh man, no fun all around! How is your GP treating the kidney infection? Lots of rest and reading, and I hope you get better very soon! *hugs*


  3. Sorry to hear you’re sick! I’ve heard rapeseed often referred to as canola in the States.
    I don’t see how your husband could possibly be allergic to a person as fantastic as you, but it’s possible he’s sensitive to one of your/his personal care products–shampoo, body wash, deodorant–or a household cleaner that you use often.
    I hope you enjoy the book!

  4. I would make a joke about sneezing being good for the kidney infection, but the painful back is no fun at all. What a absolute bugger, all this coming just as your knees are starting to get better, I hope everything is resolved quickly and painlessly.

  5. I’m so sorry! I’m suffering from severe seasonal allergies for the first time ever at the ripe old age of 39, and it’s really not fun. I have to do yardwork in the rain, or wear a dust mask when I’m outside. Even letting the windows open on a windy day is causing symptoms.
    Have the hubby vacuum and dust regularly while you lock yourself in the bathroom to take a hot bath or shower so you aren’t breathing pollen and dust in. Take care of yourself, that’s a lot of stuff going on at once to handle!

  6. i am sorry for your troubles and hope you will soon recover, but this post is very entertaining. well written, humorous, descriptive. well, all your posts are … i do enjoy your blog.

  7. Oh honey, that’s absolute shit luck. Here in the states is allergy season like whoa. Odd part is that I’m ok at one but drive 15 miles north and my face and nose itch. Have you tried a neti pot?

    Rapeseed!? Really? Not hugseed or yellowseed, or anything remotely non threatening.

    At least your knees are on the mend 🙂

  8. Are you serious? You being sick and making jokes. I feel so bad laughing! I hope you feel better soon. I’m at the dr hoping for antibiotics for an ear infection – that I didn’t even ask for!

    Yeah for the knees feeling a bit better!

  9. So sorry you have hayfever. Stupid that it isn’t renamed rapefever, but I guess that might get police involvement…

    Hope knees continue to behave, and that the hayfever season is brief for you this year!
    Doesn’t help that rape is related to cabbages does it? No, I thought not..

  10. I’m so sorry my friend 🙁 if there is any kind of brightside, at least you have the book to read. I can’t wait to see your tutorial for the no waste granny square. And by the by I did know what rapeseed is, I have seen it as an ingredient in Ritz peanut butter sandwiches. At first I thought it was the most horrible typo Ever! Then I went to Google. Feel better!

  11. I know I should feel horrible for laughing at your medical debacle but your explanation is really quite funny. I am so sorry that everything is hitting at once but am confident that anyone who can look at the circumstances the way you are is due to receive a reward when this medical mess is cleared up. I do hope you get to feeling better soon.

  12. It’s now called Canola here – I guess rapeseed was just too much for us sensitive North Americans. Hope you’re feeling better soon AND that you enjoy your lovely good read.

  13. We have rapeseed in Canada, too, but it goes by the name Canola mostly (same as the US poster said above). There is a small town in my prairie province where the two main crops are Canola and Honey…. the sign welcoming you to the town declares it to be the “LAND OF RAPE AND HONEY” Every once and a while a David Letterman-type of TV show picks up on it and has a ‘yikes’ kind of moment with the sign.

  14. I find it completely baffling why we are growing all this rape when we’re importing all sorts of fruit/veg/grains we could be growing instead. And Doctors are so variable – some prescribe on the least suspicion of an infection whereas with others you could die waiting (not that you will – our emergency services are good!!!). You must think you’ve landed up in a very random country 🙁 I’m glad your knees are doing well and you’ve got some good books. Hope you’re on the mend soon.

  15. Awwww! You poor dear! I think when we are so busy we don’t get sick but…..when we slow down it must trigger something in our body. It’s like the bad antibodies in our body take over! Get well soon!

  16. It’s ok to sound like you are very frustrated….I would be to. In fact I have been and I understand how reading heals. I just did a 8 month rehab because of a nasty slip on black ice. Full leg cast for 2 months then 3 weeks in a nursing home so I would have someone help me to the bathroom. From January to April 21st I was in a brace. Until I talked family members into moving stuff from my 3rd level to the bottom level so I was able to sew I did a lot of reading… a lot of grumbling. Everyone is happier now that I’m free of casts and braces. Like they say if Momma isn’t happy no one is happy…….:) Get happy soon!

  17. Bless you! And look on the bright side, it’s not often you can say you’ve been raped by a plant… 😉 Hope the kidneys are flushing normally again soon, or that really would be taking the piss… (sorry 😉 )

  18. Of course we are still reading silly 😉 Even tho you are experiencing all manner of ills,you still manage to write a humorous post. Simply Amazing! Most peeps would be typing up a pity post,while you on the other hand,have us chuckling and feeling guilty about it,all at the same time.
    Sorry to hear about all the bodily misfortune you are encountering presently,and hoping that you are back to “normal” in a flash 🙂 Enjoy your smart book 😉

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